Most Misordered Drinks

This year's Tanzanian coffee comes from a collaboration between Communal Shamba LTD & Mkulima Kwanza AMCOS which is a co-op & social enterprise founded solely by young Tanzanians. The co-op have sought to differentiate by consolidating and streamlining the traditional value chain for smallholder coffee production, as well as through pioneering processing techniques to diversify their offering and open new markets. This time, I’m dipping into the coffee menu. It's not as simple as it seems. Even most quantum scientists don't understand why a long black is so short… I’ll give it some context and explain the most misordered drinks, so you never have to suffer through one you didn’t want, or worse; admit you ordered the wrong thing.
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Some of the drinks are so obscure they sound like middle class baby names. To understand them you have to look all over Espresso: “a small, strong drink made using finely ground coffee under high water pressure”- The World Atlas Of Coffee Cafe Latte: “coffee with milk” - Google translate. While coffee is drunk worldwide, three main cultures contributed to the modern menu: Italy, America, and Australia. With each culture comes a different confusion. Italy Most drinks come from here: Espresso, Ristretto, Lungo, Macchiato, Cappuccino, Caffè Latte, Piccolo. Out of all the Italian varieties, the most confusing is the Macchiato. In my years as a barista, many who asked for a Macchiato left looking confused, confounded, and outright irate. I blame Starbucks. The name roughly translates as stained. Generally, the drink is an espresso “stained” with some milk foam. Quite simple until the Latte Macchiato came about. Which is, milk with espresso poured on top. Then the most confusing. Starbucks brought out the Caramel Macchiato. This is basically a latte “stained” with caramel. No wonder there is so much confusion. Keep your wits about you. Beware of caramel, big American chains and misleading stains. America - For a long time, in the American diner culture, there were just two drinks: White Coffee and Black Coffee. They made a jug of filter coffee and you either had it with milk, or without. Now, if you ask your stripy-top-barista for a “black coffee” they would be right in serving you any of the following: Espresso, Ristretto, Lungo, Long Black, Americano, Filter Coffee or Cold Brew. Fortunately, they generally narrow it down to either a filter coffee or an americano. Partially because these come from a similar culture. The americano came about when Americans were stationed in Italy after World War II. The story goes, they found the espresso too strong and asked for it to be diluted so it was similar to the coffee they were used to. If you like your coffee without milk, I recommend trying a filter coffee, an americano, and a long black. That way you know exactly which ‘black coffee’ you like. Just don’t have them all at once. You’ll likely see into another dimension. Australia - Australia’s got a pioneering attitude to coffee. They took it. Ran with it. And changed the names. Among others, they are responsible for the Flat White and the Long Black.lat White: Espresso with some milk - Basically a strong latte. The name extends from frustration with foamy, chocolatey cappuccinos. They just wanted a flat, white coffee. No foam, just milk. This is my go-to. It has been there for me through thick and thin. Personally, I would rebrand this as a 'Little Latte'. Long Black: Espresso with a little hot water - basically a short Americano. The name isn’t ironic. It's just out of context. In Australia, they call an Espresso a Short Black. Therefore adding even a little water makes it a Long Black. I find this the perfect strength, full of flavour and helps me stay trim. And there you have it. I didn’t go through the whole menu for fear of boring you, but I hope you learnt something. Now you can go out there and order with the confidence of a toddler. Small Batch has six stores in Brighton, Hove and Portslade. If you’re ever unsure what to order be sure to ask one of our friendly baristas. When they have the time, they’ll explain the drinks and probably tell you about their band’s new EP. Join me next time, for simple tips on how to make tastier coffee at home. Until then, stay caffeinated.

Tim